To be the best!

I was backstage watching the Snow Queen dance on stage, looking through a hole in the curtain that only a few of us young dancers knew about. Holding my breath and standing very still, trying not to give away my hiding spot as I heard the orchestra playing some of the most beautiful, emotional music I have ever heard, feeling it all in my body as if I were dancing it myself. I was so afraid to move the curtain, get in big trouble, and miss my chance to be there in that magical moment because watching that ballerina dance was the most evocative, sensational, engaging experience I had ever had in my entire life as a 10-year-old. Being a ballet super star was my life’s dream! Being so close to one making her dream come true was the most wonderful feeling and it was one of the biggest highlights of my childhood.

I played a tiny part in the Nutcracker that year, as a “Bonbon” in Act 2, and enjoyed being on stage with my friends from ballet class, but my favorite thing was getting to rub elbows with the Principal Dancers who occasionally smiled sweetly at us backstage as they sauntered to their places in their pointe shoes. I loved being near them and feeling their calm confidence as they stepped into the spotlight, demonstrating the most athletic and graceful movements I had ever seen. They were larger than life, incredible, sparkling people, and total celebrities to me.

My youth spent in ballet class and on stage myself made me think that being a performer was what I wanted to do with my life, but when I became a teenager, I knew that I didn’t want to be a professional ballet dancer myself. I had too many other interests, and the physical demands of ballet were too much for me. Although I was happy with my decision, I had this push and pull of sadness through my life and even had to stay away from attending performances for a long while. Even though I was fulfilled in so many other ways, I still sometimes felt heartbroken when I saw my peers on stage and felt like I was missing out and gave up on a dream.

Today, with many years behind me, I have peace around this decision and can focus more on the joy of the movement instead of what I lost out by not following a career in dance. I absolutely love watching the dancers, being around them, and taking pictures of them.  I can completely relate to that magic of being on stage and the love of performance because I had experienced that deep joy myself.

The reason I can capture the most poignant moments of a pose right as their peak, is because internally I’m moving right along with them. I’m experiencing those movements even though I’m not dancing. I am feeling it deeply. I’m captivated by them. They are fulfilling my dream! I’m sensing the flow of each motion as it moves to the next and can predict what’s about to come. Those moments in mid-air – I feel it coming and then I hit the shutter at the exact moment – wow! It’s such a rush!

I understand the drive and tenacity that’s required to be a professional dancer. There is this intense discipline, sometimes the pain of pushing through incredible physical and mental demands, and then the amazing feeling of being the absolute best. To be the best! Roomfuls of people clapping because they are so moved by what you can do! Then there is the dark side – the urge to give up when it hurts balanced with the celebration of when it’s all so light and beautiful. The grit and determination required to deal with the massive amount of criticism, comparison, and competition and stand there smiling and moving with grace. The blood, sweat and tears, but needing to stand still with poise. Their devotion and discipline is incredible and I have grand respect for these dancers. These situations of how they overcome obstacles inspire me in my own challenges. My goal is to show all those things in my photos of them. It’s all part of their story.

There’s a big difference between just a pretty picture, and the depth of sensation and intimacy where you can feel the dancer’s heart beating when you look at a photo. If any of my pictures show a little of that depth, I feel like I have succeeded. I have such deep reverence for dancers. I hope that my photos are a tribute to the dedication of a life in ballet.

Although I chose not to fulfill my dream of being a dancer, now it feels fantastic to me to highlight dancers fulfilling their dreams. I was meant to be here witnessing and being in the depths of the dance experience and celebrating with them as a photographer.

Photo of Tommie O’Hanlon, Principal Dancer with Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre